Sow….
(Sowing some thoughts and dreams ….)
Just short of two years ago someone gave me a violin, as a birthday present. A very generous gift indeed! However – I had no idea why!!! I have never wanted to play the violin, if anything I had given thought to trying to learn the cello when I was younger, but I wasn’t allowed to, so gave that thought up!
The reason why I received this present has become a distant ponder, because – having received the gift, I decided to throw myself wholeheartedly into giving it a jolly good go! (Much as I did when I got my first ever puppy – boy, what a learning lesson that has been and who knew what adorable little creatures of mass destruction they are).
I found myself a teacher, via a friend, who plays in a country band, and I set up lessons once a month. My new teacher recommended certain books that I could work through, and I started to practice with an open heart, a curious mind and without any judgement towards myself about how I was doing. I just set out to enjoy the experience.
Surprisingly I flourished at my new endeavour (I didn’t realise I was flourishing until my teacher suggested I was at a certain orchestral grade of playing, that would take most people 3 years or more to get to, while I’d only been playing at this point for 8 months) It is fair to say that I was really proud and delighted when she said this as I had no idea that I was doing well!
Today, less than 2 years into my violin playing, I put on my first performance to an audience with a group called The Rusty Strings – in which there are 4 cello players, 2 other violin players, a mandolin and a ukulele. To say I was excited is an understatement, I couldn’t sleep the night before. The performance went really well and I can’t wait until we do our next performance at Christmas.
I wanted to write about this special day, not only for the recognition of a proud moment of accomplishment, but of recognition of how far I have come as a person! Two years ago, I wouldn’t have dreamt of playing violin, or performing in front of an audience – not just because it wasn’t on my radar, but because I wouldn’t have had the confidence. 5 years ago I would have trembled in terror at the notion of any of it. When I first received my violin, I was scared to death of it – I had no idea what to do with it and trying to do anything with it seemed like the most daunting thing because I literally had absolutely nothing to compare it to, in the history of my experiences.
Now I crave time with my violin and if I don’t get it, I feel ‘antsy’ – I need some violin playing time, I need to have that creative time, where I can play a tune I know and loose myself in that moment. (Recently I’ve started to play the main music from Braveheart – it almost makes me want to cry, my heart swells with the joy of creating such sound, that has so much story and meaning behind it!) I also recognise that the variation of sound near my body is very healing – emotionally and physically.
Over the last several years I have continued to do work on myself – spiritually, emotionally, psychologically. Using the tools, that I have learned, on myself – neuro linguistic programming, time line therapy techniques, working with the sub-conscious and unconscious mind, quantum linguistics, manifestation, meditating, channelling and with the help of hugely talented friends who have done psychological constellation work with me, EMDR and Emotional Freedom Technique – I am now 100% more confident than I’ve ever been, calm, peaceful and living from a place of love, with wonder for all the potential within the world.
I used to be so self-conscious, so nervous, so apologetic for my existence and if I’d have had to perform in front of people 10 years ago, I would have literally been shaking in my boots.
It seems that all of the fear, self-consciousness, nervousness, lack of self-esteem and more – was unnecessary. But I couldn’t have just told myself that and believed it, I had to heal the parts within me that believed I wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve a right to enjoy my life and to experience everything it has to offer without fear, anxiety or apology. I had to do the work to allow me to love me unconditionally.
Nobody has to live in a state feeling like they aren’t good enough or feeling anxious about themselves, what they do, what they look like or who they are. I am proof that you can live a life of creativity, magic and joy, from your heart space with trust and grace.
As I create my new story in the world and look back with compassion and love for who I once was, I remind myself that life is to be lived, loved and relished; To go out there and inhale life, like you’re smelling the most sensational scent that ever wafted under your nose; to go out there and devour all life has to offer like a bear coming out of a cave from hibernation.
If you do something and you don’t like it, try something else, change direction, dance a difference dance. Just give it your all from your heart, without judgement, like a child does when trying something new or making a discovery, for you are that child – they are still within you, bursting with anticipation of life and the magic that exists all around us.
With a loving heart,
Rose x